Much the same as prior, though it’s shifted from a general paranoia about myself and my place to a paranoia about my projects and whether I’ve failed other people. So rather than reiterate the tornado, let’s take a look at potential contributors. I will not say causes as I don’t believe anything to be a cause, but small things do contribute.

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10 months ago · 0 notes

Another anxiety journal to keep track.

This time I’m positive my cycle isn’t the cause.

Over the past few days, I’ve been hit with this sensation of feeling utterly hated and despised. There’s zero reason for this. Nobody has altered their attitude towards me. There’s no evidence to believe any of it to be true. Yet, my own brain is functioning against me.

Thoughts running through my head:

• Everything I do, people secretly loathe. They actively despise my involvement in anything and wish they could just get away, but don’t for fear of losing touch with their actual friends.
• Any attempt on my part to connect with people is also hated. People wish I would just go away.
• Expressing these feelings will be met with contempt and exasperation. If they say otherwise, people are lying.
• If they didn’t hate me already, expressing these feelings will cause others to hate me. As such, there’s no talking it out. There’s no reassurance. Because everyone who didn’t hate me before hates me now and everyone who hates me already is given even more reason to hate me and encourage other people to get the fuck out of dodge when I’m around.
• If people don’t hate me, then they are apathetic. I’m not sure which is worse. People having a strong negative emotion about me, or caring so little they can’t be bothered to give a damn about anything I do.
• I’m a tool. To be used or despised. Nothing more.
• It’s impossible for me to know what’s going on in anyone’s head, so why do I bother. I’m making them mad even for trying.
• I keep failing people in small ways. Which is equivalent to failing them in big ways. Because failure is failure.
• Any minute now, everyone will abandon me and I’ll be left without any sort of comfort, either stuck back home having to be someone’s child again or going back to the roach-infested shithouse I lived in after college. And this is because I’ve failed everyone in those small ways, which they will get sick of.
• I’m holding my breath for the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
• Lack of initiative on anyone’s part is due to my personal failure to engage them on a deeper level. That I can’t know how to help people better speaks to a fundamental flaw in me.
• This is a pity party designed to make me feel better by making me feel worse. That my efforts to record these anxiety attacks is pointless. That my father is right and I’m just selfishly making other people feel bad as a way to avoid my own problems.
• I’m trying hard to make other people happy but I’m just doing the opposite to them. There’s no making people feel happy, not if I’m the one doing it.
• Wishing I could have the pleasure of knowing I made an impact without having to deal with the irritation of existing.
• Wondering if other people have to fight to feel things outside their head as much as me. 
• Feeling stupid for even thinking that.
• Feeling bad for thinking people are lying. Because people get offended if you think they’re liars, and you don’t think they’re actually liars. You just got some other chunk of your brain telling you everyone is lying.
• Wondering why respect is misconstrued for trust. Or if people are right and I’m just a naive idiot for thinking anyone actually gives a damn about me and what I do and investing in my time. That there’s really some kind of secret conspiracy to use me to further other people’s goals, even when all I want to do is to help people meet their goals voluntarily.
• Being so disappointed in people I respected and wondering if enjoying them and their work and what they do was just me being an idiot and being blind to the truth. If disappointment is even warranted at all.
• Wondering what thoughts are mine own, or just planted there by other people.
• I feel so guilty for drawing anything. If I draw something and it’s not loved, then it’s hated. If it was loved, that’s good but then I immediately think of everything else that needed completion. If I finished everything, then how come I didn’t finish it faster or sooner?
• My fixations annoy people. I should just shut up and go away.
• Mentioning my problems once to one person is one time too many. I can’t be the stoic I want to be.
• I’m fucking strange and creeping people out hardcore and need to get the fuck out.

A considerable amount of paranoia this time. That’s been a running theme in these. Most often buffered by loneliness. Yet I’ve no reason to be lonely. My life is wonderful. I’m finally on track to saving money, paying off debts, not living in abject poverty surrounded by disgusting insects (yes, the roaches are nearly all gone now!) I’ve every reason to be happy, yet I still face these problematic periods.

10 months ago · 2 notes

Alright so once again, to get a better handle on my anxiety and figure out how to better get a grip on my brain, I’ll be posting a record I can keep track of and receive advice for. More below the break (the writing is so long it would kill my followers’ dashboards for sure)

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11 months ago · 0 notes

Trying to figure out what the low points in my mood are. When does my anxiety happen?

Seems to be, with some consistency, that I begin feeling like crap around 11am, feel okay again at 3 or 4pm, then feel like crap again at 10 or 11 pm. If I stay up late, the bad feeling will continue until I’m too exhausted to have emotions.

Amount of sleep I’ve had can inflame this, but the time it happens doesn’t seem to shift. If I’m completely occupied (physically and mentally) then it can be masked, but the minute I drop what I’m doing, the anxiety comes back.

This is at least an improvement than what the norm has been for several years, feeling low always. And I’m in a position where I can say definitively it’s a completely irrational emotion. There’s no cause to this. Even if something kicks it off, the “something” could be excessively minor. Like the kind of something you’d brush off or not even think about in a normal frame of mind. But rather than brush it off, my brain goes into overdrive. It circles around whatever the something is until it becomes a much bigger deal.

By a few hours later I’m fine, but I hate feeling so sensitive about stuff I know is dumb.

11 months ago · 1 note

I am the ouroboros, watch me eat myself.

Omnomnom anxiety!

11 months ago · 0 notes